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Finding My Voice

Even as I stare down the 4 month mark I find this post difficult.  I will express myself the best I can.  This blog is and will remain focused on the Paleo Lifestyle.  Mr. and I have intertwined our lives here and shared how we accomplished our successes along the way.  My last post in November came as a surprise and shock to even us as we came to grips with becoming expecting parents with 10 year olds AND after years of infertility.  

Many people that follow and comment on this blog are friends/acquaintances of ours and know our story.  

Others we have never met and do not know.  This post is for you.

My last post and our last on air appearance we shared with the world that we were expecting a surpise Paleo baby.  We had swallowed the news and were passed the 12 week mark and felt confident that we would become parents again soon.

Unfortunately our world fell apart a week before Christmas on G&E's Birthday.  I awoke in the morning to use the restroom and soon there after my water broke.  Without telling all the tiny details, I knew that there was nothing that could be done and chances of a happy outcome were stacked against us.  We remained faithful and kept a postive attitude and strict Paleo eating until on December 27th I once again was awoken but this time I was in labor.  Our Paleo baby Charles Edgar was born sleeping at 18 weeks.  

Since that time we have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I've felt week and broken.  I've also felt love and support in so many ways and through so many avenues.  Some things I've expected and others have caught me by surprise.  Mr. and I have been working through grief together and individually as we seek to find a path of healing.

Our Paleo eating?  It's been very interesting as I look back on the last several months.  What's taken me most by surprise has been my habits from March 27 (Charlie's 3 month Heaven Anniversary) through yesterday.  Over the past 4 months I've had periods when I've been super strict, periods when I've had cheats, and then my last period which was nothing that resembled Paleo.

I'm happy to say that starting today...It's different.  I know that going forward, I will not allow food be my crutch.  I don't know why I turn to food for comfort or why I allow it to ease my anxiety when I am in my busiest times at work.  But I do and I have acknowledged it.

This morning I set my alarm and made my way to my Crossfit Box.  I put as much effort into my workout as I could.  I've eaten all Paleo today and even prepped our dinner.  

I can feel the resolve deep inside.  No more weight gain.  No more inflammation.  Sad or not.

I have not reached my due date yet.  I know emotionally I have a long way to go.  Eating Paleo and Crossfit helped make me strong and I know that it will do it again.

All this to say, thank you for allowing me to grieve and I'm back.

I can't say that Charlie's name won't come up in posts or that I won't mention my sadness and anxiety.  Charlie is something that has become apart of our life and part of our Paleo journey.  However this will continue to be a Paleo Blog and a way to share our journey with others.

Lucky for you...I've already started taking pictures of my food again today.

Food is a Drug #Paleo


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