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6 a.m. Wake up call

You know, one of my worst fears when deciding to be public about my paleo journey was gaining weight back.  I worked so incredibly hard to get my life back.  I was working about at 5:30 a.m. Meal planning and cooking like a boss.  It worked.

Then I got pregnant.  Then I lost Charlie.  Then my life stopped as I knew it.

I remember telling my mom when I was on bed rest trying to save him.  Whatever the outcome was I didn't want to go back to who I was.  I wanted to feel strong.  I told her to not let me go down a bad road.

The thing about that is...I didn't at first.  After I lost him I stayed true to paleo lifestyle.  As soon as I was allowed I was back at Crossfit working out.

Things started to unravel for me one by one.  First was working out.  I loved feeling strong and when I went back I quickly realized I wasn't strong anymore.  Then people would unknowingly say things that would make me swallow hard.  Babies were born healthy...the same month Charlie was due.  I saw tired parents working out and to be honest it pissed me off that I got a good nights rest (well with the help of a tylenol pm).

Then a few changes happened at my gym and words were said or not said and I decided to walk away.  I found myself at a new gym.  It was warm and welcoming but it wasn't my home.  I tried for several months to make it home but never got there.  Plus the anxiety set in as I got closer and closer to Charlie's 1st birthday.  It was bad.  I needed a break and so I walked away from there too.

During this time I was staying pretty true to paleo.  I still stay pretty true to paleo for meals.  In between those paleo meals, not so much.

I've sponsored and participated in challenges to help inspire me to keep going.

In April I ran my first mini-marathon at a turtles pace.  Then pretty much stopped working out all together.

I've sought spiritual direction.

I've started over again more times than I care to count.

I've hosted girls nights and card parties to help get through the months.

I've been trying so hard to find what my new normal is, should be, will be.

My sweet mom has whispered so many, don't give up comments (without actually saying "don't give up.)  She's worked hard to be the role model that I used to be to others in my nutrition and activity.

The thing is, it sneaks up on you.  I've never intended to go back to who I was before I found a better lifestyle.  But I feel gross again.  That's the best way I can explain it.  I can tell that my body is mad at me in so many different ways.  I crave feeling strong again like I never did the first time I walked this journey.

I don't feel sorry for myself nor do I write this hoping you'll feel sorry for me.  I'm more pissed at myself than anything.  At one time, my spiritual director kept telling me to be gentle with myself.  I probably needed to be at one point but then I started using it as a crutch.

So here I am...tired again of feeling sick and tired, knowing that I'm the only one that can change me.
Knowing that if I make a few corrections in my nutrition and exercise that I'll be right back on track.

Knowing that because my heart continues to ache incredibly bad, I'll never feel as good as I did the first time.

But here's the deal.  I want better for my family.  I want better for me.

So this morning I set my alarm and actually woke up.

My dog and I went for a brisk morning walk.  I came home did some core work and stretched.  I had eggs and bacon for breakfast, carrots for a snack, leftover soup for lunch, and apple for an afternoon snack and I'll be having pork chops and brussel sprouts for dinner.

You blog land will be my accountability.

It will be messy.

It will be beautiful.

It will give me accountability.

I will overcome this.

Until tomorrow.

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